The perils of public bathrooms
Sometimes it's not easy being handsome. This is one of those times.
Just a note about my posts before I start this post.
I know I said that each week I’d write and post about a new fabulous and handsome individual that I’ve photographed and interviewed, but the fact is, they take longer than I thought! Truthfully between starting/running my portrait photography business, parenting (did I mention 5 kids?), dog care, doing dishes/cleaning the house (let’s be honest - these are the things that don’t get done on the regular - just ask my kids), oh! and helping out my elderly parents who are moving into a retirement home on Tuesday (yup I’m back in Ottawa), I don’t know how realistic it is. So…here’s the real deal. I won’t post every week on Wednesday, or even every other week on Wednesday. But I can promise you this - every two weeks (or so) there will be a post about another handsome individual with their story, photos, writing, and video. And in between, I’ll add musings such as this one on bathrooms. Please feel free to comment. This is where the magic happens people - share your stories! So you can expect 2-3 posts a month - the best part is you’ll never know exactly when! How fun is that??? Ok, on to my story about where to pee
To all you handsomes out there - and others who have experienced this - this is for you - and for me too, to be honest; a bit of catharsis. Whether you refer to it as a restroom, bathroom, toilet, washroom, or loo - if the options are men’s/women’s it leaves many of us with a challenge.
I don’t know about you, but to this day I have anxiety about going into a public washroom. Depending on my haircut at the time or where I am - rural U.S. or Canada - or how vulnerable or brave I’m feeling, I struggle with having only two choices.
Do I go into the women’s and risk the potential looks, stares, and perhaps children pointing and saying “Mommy, there’s a man in the girl’s bathroom”, or do I go to the men’s and risk something worse? For many, I know this has been a dilemma - masculine dykes or trans men in a man’s washroom can be read as gay men, and depending on your location that can be dangerous, even life-threatening.
The point is, that this is never a neutral experience. And for those of you who have never experienced this special type of knot in the pit of your stomach, think for a second about how many times a day, week, or month you’re using a washroom outside your home: At workplaces, restaurants, gas stations, Tim Horton’s, schools (though some are improving), hospitals, museums, concerts, sports arenas, Canada’s Wonderland, IKEA, the gym, swimming pools, airports and train stations, and even campground outhouses. The list goes on. I’ve even had a girlfriend complain on my behalf (which was lovely by the way), to a waiter in a restaurant where two single-stall bathrooms were labeled men’s and women’s. I mean - why bother? It’s a private room with a toilet. Does it have to have an assigned gender?
The thing is, for those of us who don’t easily “pass” as MALE or FEMALE, this is a real issue and we face it multiple times a day. That’s a lot of anxiety - unspoken, unseen, and often not shared. It’s just how we go about our days. As a teacher in a high school, I was outspoken about this reality for my students and fought for all-gender washrooms in the school - that’s a whole other article though (perhaps more on this later). But for myself, I spent my life just managing, being “ok” and having to stop, think, assess, and make a decision every single time.
Just today, while driving from Toronto to Ottawa, somewhere along Highway 7 near Kaladar, I made a bathroom stop at a Circle K and found the following options.
I paused for a moment and then opted for the Family Restroom. I also did this the other day at Sick Kids Hospital. And you know I felt guilty!? There I was peeing and all I could think of was, “What if there’s someone out there right now who desperately needs to change their kid’s diaper?”
At my parent’s condo - where they’ve lived for over 30 years - my kids have grown up visiting their Bubby and Zaydie here their whole lives and a visit is not complete without bagels and lox (this has nothing to do with gender and bathrooms btw) and swimming in the pool. Here’s the thing though. The only way to get to the pool is through the men’s or women’s changerooms. After I had top surgery I went through the women’s a few times with my kids and then took off my shirt to swim topless - that’s how I swim now, because I CAN!!! But after a few unpleasant encounters - mostly elderly women staring, pointing at me across the pool, even complaining to the pool attendant about me (“That man was in the women’s change room!”,), I decided that the women in this condo were way too difficult to deal with. Going through the men’s is easier - the men tend not to look up and stare. But there hasn’t been a time that I haven’t felt that familiar knot in the pit of my stomach. Did I mention they’re moving on Tuesday? Problem solved.
Fortunately, many places are inclusive and when I come across these places I feel such a sense of relief and honestly, I feel seen. So thank you to the establishments that are progressive and inclusive. Now if every place could be wheelchair accessible as well we’d be really getting somewhere!
Please leave a comment and share your stories and photos! I know there are so many of us who deal with this on a day-to-day basis.
Us cis people have it so easy! Good post Travis - sending hugs and other good things.