Not So Smooth Operators
Or, why being called Ma'am and/or Sir bugs me so much.
I have spent a great deal of time on the phone over the past few days with various companies, merchants, and banks attempting to resolve many issues related to billing, credit card fraud, disputed transactions, and the like. And I’m exhausted. I can’t believe how tiring it can be to sit on my ass and wait on hold for 20-30 minutes at a time only then to speak to someone where maybe 25% of the time my concerns are being resolved and the rest of the time they’re “afraid there’s nothing they can do”, or the year-long contract I don’t remember signing up for will be charged to my credit card until March 2025 regardless of whether or not I cancel my service now or at the end of the term that I didn’t even realize I was financially bound to.
I’m pretty sure everyone can relate to these frustrations - gigantic companies with people all over the world answering phones and dealing with annoyed customers seeking answers, resolutions, or compensation. I feel for these people. I do. I try to stay calm and polite, and usually, if the person on the other end of the phone is also calm, polite, and understanding then I can play nice too. But sometimes (ok a lot) I get irritable, annoyed, and downright rude. I’m ashamed because I firmly believe in giving and receiving kindness, and I know that “You catch more bees with honey than vinegar” (just a nod to my ex-wife - Thanks Ajike). So yeah, in general dealing with customer reps of large corporations over the phone does not bring out my most evolved self I’m sorry to say.
Now add to that being misgendered. Constantly.
I know what you’re thinking…
Well, if you identify as nonbinary (which I guess I do-ish - more on that another time) and your pronouns are they/them, then what do you expect? People use “Sir” or “Ma’am” most of the time, to be polite! They’re just trying to be respectful, and who are you to be annoyed by this? Besides, in which instance do you feel misgendered anyway? I mean what ARE you, Travis? Sir or Ma’am?
Yeah, I get it. How unrealistic of me to want or expect people of the world to accurately identify my gender! What’s the alternative anyway? Well therein lies the big conundrum. What do I want to be called, if not Sir, Ma’am, Miss, or Ms?
When I was teaching and I changed my name to Travis and my pronouns to they/them, part of me chose those pronouns to help myself, and another to support my students. Also, I hated being called “MISS”!
Students call you MISS or SIR which never seemed equal or fair to me. I asked them to call me “Silverman” - and you know what? They did! At any rate, I wanted to help the staff understand how it feels and what they might be able to do differently to help create a more welcoming and less BOY/GIRL environment for those whose gender identities and/or presentations didn’t quite line up so neatly with those two categories. I’d like to think that in the world of education, things have improved over the last decade - I mean for kids who are offered “boys” or “girls” teams, gym classes, cabins at sleepaway camp, or trips with school I’ve been hearing about students being offered a choice. I know of a trans male teen on his high school boys’ basketball team. I know of nonbinary students offered a choice of cabin groups - male, female, or all gender. But I also know that these instances are not the reality for many many people. You just have to be breathing to know that things are pretty heated right now for trans folks - particularly in the U.S.
I feel lucky and largely unscathed. I am privileged. I know this to be true. I have a certain power in my whiteness, class, educational background, and the fact that I was able to legally marry and be considered the legal parent of all my children and raise them at a time and place when and where being queer and genderqueer is a human right not to be messed with - on paper anyway. I mean I’m just an old-ish, old-school-ish butch (ish) from Ottawa who knew better than to come out in the 80s. Hence this project.
But somehow the fact that I have it pretty good - makes me feel like I don’t have the right to complain, to be annoyed by things as seemingly trivial as having to choose one of two bathrooms or being called Ma’am or Sir on the phone (and in person too). But I’m here to say it’s not trivial. It matters. And this kind of thing happens daily.
To quote Jenn Miller from last week’s post, “With liberation comes loneliness”. It can feel so incredibly liberating to be yourself in the world - to not have to hide - to wear what you want - to have the freedom to look on the outside like you feel on the inside - AND - it can be incredibly lonely at the same time.
Our families may not look or feel like we do, and our schools, workplaces, and all the other spaces we frequent on any given day are not populated with folks who look or feel like us. Multiple times a day we may be misgendered, misunderstood, or misrepresented. Many times a day, we are faced with having to decide whether to respond, correct, or let things slide. At the end of the day (yesterday to be exact), after too many phone calls and “Sirs” and “Maams” (because I get both), and after repeatedly asking the person on the phone to please stop calling me Ma’am and to call me Travis, I had to ask. “What made you decide to call me Ma’am and not Sir?” Pause. “Um, your name Ma’am, um sorry, Travis”. MY NAME?????? REALLY???
Here I am thinking Ok I get it - you hear my voice and think - sounds female, I’ll go with Ma’am. Or you see my name and think - Travis - must be a guy, - I’ll go with Sir. Sometimes I get “Sirred” before they know my name, and sometimes “Ma’amed” and sometimes both in one call!! But I was shocked when the person told me they went with Ma’am because of the name Travis.
Huh…interesting…
And still, no matter what it’s a drag. Sometimes I don’t mind being called Sir, but I never want to be called Ma’am. Does anyone?
I mean. How hard is it to start a call and say something like this: “Hello, am I speaking to Travis Silverman? May I call you Travis, or would you prefer something more formal? If so, what would that be?” It seems pretty simple to me.
This is so enlightening to those of us (like me) who are she/her/cisgendered and don't even notice the 'm' word (miss, ma'am) when it comes our way. I do notice, being over 65, I hear miss a lot less!