CECILIA: You're breaking our hearts...
Soft and Butch, Tender and Tough.
“I feel hot and handsome, very Papi Chulo. I don't identify as a man or a woman. I’m just Cecilia.”
I met Cecilia “around”. You know how it is in the Toronto “Dyke” community (for me anyway). You go out to the various events that are targeted to “your people” and for the Lesbian/Dyke/FtoM trans end of the queer community they didn’t happen every day. A show and dance night at Buddies here, a performance or hang out at Pope Joan (or The Rose, or Foxy’s and Coyote’s depending on your era), maybe a potluck or book launch, or at the Inside Out Film Festival. I can’t say for sure where I first saw/met Cecilia, but I know that when she came to look after the aging mother of my then-girlfriend in 2019 or thereabouts, we knew each other - in that “seen you around” kind of way. I think in particular there is a noticing that happens with those of us who are masculine of center - sometimes it felt like a yearning for me but in a confusing way. I strongly desired to connect but somehow felt like I couldn’t. I'm not sure why and won’t bother doing the navel-gazing here and now, but if this feels familiar to you handsomes out there, please leave a comment!
When I started this project I emailed almost every person I knew and hoped for the best. Word got out and when a friend of a friend recommended that Cecilia contact me she did! What a brave soul. Cecilia is the first handsome I’ve photographed who reached out to me! I love that. Also, she was the first to bring a cat as the “object that makes them feel handsome”. When she asked if she could bring her cat I must admit I hesitated. Cats are not my favourite - but I took an allergy pill and it turned out to be amazing to photograph Cecilia with Bean!
The truth is I don’t have a systematic way to find my “subjects” - I just started thinking about all the handsome folks I’ve met in Toronto since I moved here in 1996 - you know the ones; the mutual “noticing” club - the head nods - the we know each other but don’t know each other people that I either admired, emulated or just enjoyed sharing space with. I made a list and began reaching out. But please pass this on to anyone you think might be a good fit, or would be interested in participating. Maybe it’s you!
Ok, back to Cecilia! We met up in a coffee shop for the first time to chat about the project and I got to hear her life story and what an incredible story it was! Cecilia Sparrow is warm, kind, easy-going and happy. It was lovely to get to know this lovely person after all this time. Born in El Salvador and amazingly - despite our completely different upbringings we both had a serious desire to be cowboys.
Leave a comment and photo if you also shared this desire!
Q&A
Where did you first see butch or trans masculine imagery or identity in the media or your life? Or if you didn’t, what was the first imagery you saw that resonated as non-cisgendered and how did that make you feel? What did that stir inside you - if anything?
One of the first times I saw butch/masculine imagery was K.D. Lang’s Vanity Fair cover with Cindy Crawford. 13-year-old-me was obsessed. I had never seen a woman dressed as a man, so confident and hot having an intimate moment with this sexy femme. I finally saw someone I could identify with and wanted to be like. I grew up in a religious household and community that didn’t allow any gender expression that strayed from the norm. I left the church and came out as queer the following year.
*Just a note that the 12/09/2024 issue of Finding Handsome on Jenn Miller also referenced that same Vanity Fair cover!
Who did you emulate? Who did you build your identity off of if anyone? What image/icon, if any? Was there a celebrity, musician, person in your life, or stranger that you saw who made you think - That’s who I want to be, or that’s who I am inside!
One of my first masculine role models was my father. He was tall, charming, manly, drove a truck, and everyone loved him, but he was also a violent, mean alcoholic. I wanted to be him but it was confusing because he was also scary. I was also obsessed with cowboys and my favorite outfit to wear when I was 3 or 4 years old was a cowboy hat, plaid shirt, jeans, and cowboy boots! I was also obsessed with Rambo. I would watch Rambo II over and over at my grandmother’s house. She gifted me a machete for my 6th birthday and I would wear it around the house with a red bandana around my forehead and pretend I was Rambo guarding the house. Rambo was so manly, tough, and also had a soft spot. I wanted to be him!
What was the turning point? Or beginning. Was there a moment, series of moments, or process of getting to a place where you began to feel most like yourself? When did you come into your masculinity/"Find your Handsome?" When did you begin to understand and claim your gender and masculinity as something other than cis and something other than binary?
Finding my Handsome and masculinity has been a journey. I finally feel like me! I love being masculine, and soft.
At 14 yrs old I cut my hair really short, stopped wearing dresses and “girl clothing” and started dressing butch. I wanted everyone to know I was gay.
It wasn’t till I moved to Toronto at 20 yrs old and went to a queer bar and had all these women check me out - I was wondering why they were looking at me. It was a big ego boost when I figured out that they liked the big Latino butch!
In my 30’s I was enjoying being a Mapa to my 2 kids, Halfway way between mama/papa because that's how I felt.
Now in my 40’s I feel like I came more into myself. I had top surgery 2 years ago and started taking a low dose of testosterone. The freedom I have felt after top surgery is amazing. I love being topless, wearing tank tops and having lots of chest/belly tattoos. I feel hot and handsome, very Papi Chulo. I don't identify as a man or a woman. I’m just Cecilia.
What makes you feel handsome now? Clothing (or lack of clothing), a place on the map, a state of being, or the way you are seen by someone else - the way you feel about yourself when someone reflects back the “you” you feel the best about? Or is it something else entirely?
What makes me feel handsome is wearing a tank top, my tattoos, and having my girlfriend lay their hands on my chest. I love being big, butch, and soft. I like the balance of masculine and tender.
Is there an object or thing that you have, or know of, that resonates with your handsomeness?
My cat Bean has been with me for 18 years! We have been together through so many stages of my life, new relationships, becoming a parent, divorce, and many moves. He makes me feel so much tenderness for him, I love that balance of tender and tough!
This had been such a great experience, meeting you , the photo shoot , talking about butchness/masculinity. It has felt really good!
Thank you for doing this project! It’s so good to see people like us represented
Love, love, love.